Dating while adulting

Adulting is definitely not fun like we all thought it would be. This is a term we use online to describe growing up. What our parents sold to us and what we are experiencing are two different worlds but the great thing is we are blessed to discover it all for ourselves.

Part of growing up is in discovering who you are as an individual and being able to aim for the best things or relationships that can maintain or take that self awareness to the next level. It’s all about levels, right?

Dating is one aspect of our lives that I strongly believe we are emotionally stretched more as individuals. In light of this subject I came across a quote I would love to share with you.

This is extracted from a book titled “Marriage Works ” by J John. I stumbled upon it in my sister’s library of spiritual books. Anyway what drew me to this quote was the “hidden gems” which I will break down in a shirt bit.

Is there such a thing as dating for the wrong reasons? . Most of my blog posts are on the dating tip because that is where I am at the moment. I will talk about marriage when I get hitched and can finally share a the cutest selfies of hubby , the kids and I.

When I first started dating my Mom’s voice was more prominent in my head. I was more scared of her than I was of my Dad and anyone else around me so naturally she was the driving force in the decisions I made even when I would choose a partner the first thing that came to my mind was You see back in the day for a lot of us 80s kids dating was forbidden when you were still in High School. So if you did date you had to make sure you kept it a secret. Having sex was not even on the menu for discussion , that subject was a taboo. So you can imagine, the pressure, the expectations and then having to deal with a secret on top of that.

I would make sure my boyfriend would make my Mom proud in my selection never mind what I wanted. I loved her so much and pleasing her was key . That pretty much took out the fun in dating because you could not even be seen with this boy in public. In my early 20s I started working in SA and I was new to the workforce and new to the culture so I hardly dated till I was 25 and when I did it was for the wrong reasons again. I was infatuated by this man and soon found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship which scarred me for a bit and made me paranoid for all the wrong reasons. I identified this at an early stage and managed to get out of it. Having a great supportive girl squad also helped me quite a lot.

In my early 30s it has been all about me and truly being comfortable in myself, my sensuality, my sexuality and taking ownership of my needs in a relationship but most importantly remembering to also love. You don’t arrive to a point of being assertive if you don’t know who you are, what you want and being comfortable owning your voice in a relationship.

Dating while adulting is fun and exciting but there is more work that goes into and 80% of it is from your end before entering into a relationship. It’s your personal development. Remember the quote I shared in the beginning, it can do so much good if we lived by it with most people we relate to.

Some of the baggage we dump on the doorsteps of the people we love is not theirs to carry. What my Dad did to me when I was born has nothing to do with my current partner, if my ex cheated on me it also has nothing to do with my partner. My own personal journey and experience can create a monster in me who doesn’t care and is closed off and hurt. We know from experience hurt people hurt others. It is until you can learn to separate what has been done to you and who you are as a person that you will absorb every bad thing under the sun and make it your problem. This is where we need to grow up emotionally.

Healing always takes time but you are much better for it when you can address and work towards it than running away from it or worse off burdening someone you claim to love with it . Do whatever it takes to get better so you can be in a good place to love and be loved.

The last hidden message in that quote is . When you are emotionally mature you have done the work you need to on yourself and have released yourself from anything or anyone who was holding you back. You have peace when your man says he is hanging out with his boys and you don’t feed the paranoia and insecurity In yourself. You are not always in defense mode when your partner criticizes your cooking or parenting skills or your weight. You are able to discern criticism that aims to build and criticism that aims to crush you.

I thought that was the last one but one more gem just came to mind. Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best we can be so much that we carry that attitude in a relationship and expect others to be the same. A relationship is not a space for cloning but a space of love, comprise and acceptance but in order to truly value and see someone for who they truly are you have to be mature and willing to accept them with their flaws.

Your presence in a relationship should bring joy, add value and help you and your partner continue to grow. Are you happy? Are you challenged? Are you growing? This is the real stuff not the emotional stuff coz that can come and go and sometimes it can be misleading. Be open to looking in the mirror.

Happy adulting. Lets learn, grow and do whatever it takes to play nice with other kids in this dating world and be loveable kids too.