Goodbye

Saying goodbye to someone you loved or love is never easy. I think it’s even harder when you never allow yourself to grieve . With time it does get easier  and what i think is truly important is to be genuine in acknowledging how you feel and honoring that love you had for that person. Today i want to do just that.

When i was 15 i developed a crash on this good looking , tall and very smart boy. He had just moved into the neighborhood and i was just drawn to him. My every being wanted that boy so badly. So with time and unplanned of course i became very close friends with his sister  Miss Nizz. She was and still is one of the best girls any woman can ever ask to have in her life. So while i was dying on the inside for this boy his best friend asked me out ( darn it). The poor boy was relentless and would not stop asking me out. It did not matter if i was mean or if i belittled him, he still kept coming back. Wayengihlanyisa because he put me in a tricky position. As a teenager all i could think of was how he was standing in the way of my being with my “dream guy”. It was a tricky situation to be in.

I have been known to be stubborn and in pursuit of a relationship with this boy, i actually was. I stood my ground and i knew it was a matter of time before this boy would ask me out. Anyway the more time i spent in the company of his best friend the more time i got to spend with him, thank heavens it was not a wasted crash…lol. You know how as a teenager you will have a crash or a class mate or a boy in the neighborhood and then you spend time with him and realize what a wasted crash that was. I mean let’s be honest not all crashes are meant to be pursued, some are just great from a distance.

So one day this boy finally asked me out. I did not sleep on that day. Ngalala ngingalele. Lokudla angikuthintanga ngiphethwe luthando. My Mom knew something was up but of course i ducked the conversations that involved this boy, you know how it is as a teenager. Eventually she did find out and she had a “serious” chat with me like a Mom should and would do. It came from a loving and protective space but what i am grateful for was that she soon realized that he was not a bad influence on me. I was just in love. I was not in a hurry to get married. I was 15 years after all. What was interesting about our relationship were the expectations people had. I was perceived as a good Christian girl and he was perceived as a bad boy. I heard all sorts of stories from the neighbors and some of my friends regarding our relationship what was interesting was that our love did withstand the rumors and the crazy expectations people had.

He became a friend and one of the best men whose paths i was happy to have crossed in my life.I write and share about my journey in styling, business and life experiences in general and yesterday when i thought of him i realized that i had not let him go. I still held a special spot for him in my heart , filled with memories special to him and i and i thought why not release those memories and just stand back and appreciate what we had and appreciate him. I had not grieved his death. Of course i know he is gone but  the mind being conscious of something and the heart accepting it are two different things. Today i want to acknowledge this individual that i loved and was special to me. RIP Butho.

My love

Yesterday this Buju Banton track came to my mind while i was walking to work. I found myself singing it. I found myself wishing i could dance to it the way you did. I found myself wishing i could be in the centre of your living room watching you enjoy this music. You loved ragga music so much i never understood why. I always thought it was junk and found it irritating but i never told you that. I loved how you respected me and always checked with me first if i wanted to do something or not. I was very young and you could have taken advantage of my love for you but you did not. I loved your smile and your tiny eyes. I loved how much you cared for your family and always protected your sister. It literally feels like it was many moons ago. It feels like what we had was just a breeze carried away by the wind and yet left engraved in my heart. I miss the look you had on your face whenever i had to leave for school and it would be 3 months before i would see you again. My Mother told me to stay away from you and i could not and i did not. If i had i would have missed out on loving you and being loved by you. It was a great feeling and a great learning curve for me.Thank you for giving me beautiful memories. Thank you for being yourself.