Goodbye Daddy

I have not blogged in what seems like a lifetime to me. A great writer never misses an opportunity to write and like any other skill you have to constantly write in order to improve and hone your skill right?

A lot has been happening in my world and honestly most of it has been tough. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer in October 2016. At that time I did not know how to respond. I was literally shocked. What seemed like a stomach ache soon turned into something potentially life threatening.

As a family we made a decision for my Dad to seek treatment in SA. Who knew that cancer treatments in a private hospital can cost anything between R500k – R700k. In that moment I wished I had all the money in the world to save my Daddie’s life but I couldn’t. No one could if you really think about it. It’s not just the treatment aspect of it but also the lifestyle, dietary changes and home care especially if the patient chooses not to seek treatment that affect a family.

With time his health started to deteriorate, something we were not prepared for but had been warned about. I made a decision to go home and be with my family. It was hard to stay positive in front of my Dad and my blankets soon became my solace and best friend. I couldn’t cry in front of my Mom  and my brother. My grandmother barely understood what was going on. She had lost her husband and life partner less than 2 years ago and in her eyes it felt like the pain has clutched itself to her as her eldest son was now ill with colon cancer.  I had spent a great chunk of my adulthood in SA and could literally count the number of friends back home in Zim I could call to chat to or cry with.

I thank God for my sister Pam. She is God sent. This woman always came home at the right time. I am generally a tough cookie but even this cookie crumbles at times.I remember the first time she came home and offered me a break. She brought a Kit Kat chocolate with her. How I wish she had brought a dozen. I was having the crappiest day ever and I guess my Dad being sick was getting to me more than I cared to admit. I was slowly dying inside and did not know how to say so. Pam if you ever get a chance to read this blog post. I have nothing but love for you. What seemed like little gestures of kindness to you were everything to me.

My Dad was a perfectionist and overly orderly man. Something I loved about him because I just take risks and run with things and whatever happens I always leave it to God. Daddy was different. He was cautious, he researched any projects he worked on and took his time. Qualities that I think a good man should have. I mean let’s face it you don’t want to be stuck with a whimsical person who never has plan B and is just too carefree with life and critical decisions. I guess my Mom chose well in that regard, but now Dad being Dad , he wanted to know everything concerning his meds, when to take them etc. He said he trusted me and preferred that I manage his home care. At first I was excited and it felt like a compliment but soon I was anxious and scared as well.  I did not know if he would make it or not. You cannot fall apart when someone is ill because if you it’s almost as if you are throwing the towel so you are always conscious of how you talk and behave around them. You wanna give them hope. I wonder how nurses and Doctors do it. I guess they have mastered the art of the poker face..ki ki ki.

When someone is ill and they choose home care people often focus on the physical well being and neglect the spiritual and emotional well being of that individual. I thank my Mom for teaching us about the Lord and always reminding that Daddy was in his care. The best moments we had at home where because of my Dad. He was funny and always took everything with a positive mindset.

After spending over a month with Daddy, it broke my heart that he did not make it. Everything stood still. Literally. My Dad was the kind of person I discussed all my career and business moves with. He was a typical traditional man but with time even the dating topic was no longer a taboo between us. Dad passed away on the 2nd of July, 2017 surrounded by the people who loved and cared for him. One blog post is not even enough to put into words the kind of man he was, but it enough to begin a journey of honoring his memory. If you have lost someone you love my heart goes out to you too. You are not alone. I am learning that talking about Dad helps, remembering his best moments reminds me he was here and crying is everything in this healing journey. So take care of yourself and do whatever you can and need to to heal.

On a light tip, stock up on yoghurt, ice cream, whatever tickles your fancy because you may need it. I stuff myself up at times just to fill that void especially when I had teary moments at work or at home but later on i kinda regretted it because I knew what I was running away from (dealing with the pain and loss). So my hope for us who are in this healing journey is that God guides us, comforts us and helps us heal. Can i also mention the stages of grief and how hectic they can be? Lord, have mercy on us, death is hectic , honestly but it is part of life. ***sending you a big hug too**.

“Dear Daddy. This part of life no one prepared me for. So i take everyday as it comes. I would fight with you everyday and tell you that you were being naughty when you were not taking your meds on time. I loved every morning I was able to be around you, for a moment there I could see myself being a nurse….lol. You made my job easy. Thank you for being the best Dad a girl could ask for. Thank you for being my hero. Thank you for blessing Mom and I with the best human beings ever, Shady and Kuda. I wonder if you will  ever know how much I loved you but I am sure you knew. If my love was enough to keep you, it would have, if my strength was big enough to keep you m it would have but God said no. He said it was time. I love and miss you everyday.I hate all the places and things around me that remind me of you because I am not yet able to let you go. I can’t. Goodbye Tererai Manatsa.”