Playing Hard to Get… My thoughts

I believe the first time a boy asked me out i was 14. I was so excited and could not believe that a boy was attracted to me. I was blonde back then and i thought that the best age to start dating was 18. That decision was a promise to my cousin as well. In his words he said to me “boys will be boys, you found them here, you will leave them here , so there’s no need to rush”. He also said to me “school first boys later”. Sadly as excited as i was i could not discuss this with my Mom . Being the only girl in the house there was no one else i could discuss this with. So i kept this to myself and told the boy i would get back to him. At that age it was all about the excitement of a boy professing his undying love to you. I cannot claim that i knew anything about love so it would be a lie to say the excitement was based on that.

I honestly enjoyed saying to a boy ” i want to think about it, give me time”. My excuse was that i am overwhelmed and i did not expect that (which was a lie anyway). Just like guys at times women know when a guy is into them even before he asks. If i knew i did not like you i would tell you upfront, till today i still do that. It is selfish and mean to deliberately mislead someone.

Playing Hard to Get is amazing. I enjoyed the wait. I enjoyed knowing that the ball was in my court and that someone was waiting on me. It was fun and i do apologize to the guys coz it is something they may not relate to. In all honesty who needs a week or weeks to accept a proposal? Truth be told you know if you like a guy or not. It is instant. Attraction is natural whether it is emotional or physical and we all know that but for the longest time as young women we were always advised to make men chase after us. We were encouraged to make him “work for it” . The idea or belief around this was that of the boy was serious he would wait for you. Sounds familiar??

Now that i read more i would say this is a case of the “90 Day Rule” from Steve Harvey’s book ACT LIKE A LADY THINK LIKE A MAN, the only difference is this waiting was not for sex but rather for your love.We were also taught that it instilled discipline to wait longer and deny yourself the relationship for a short while. During the waiting stage or the playing hard to get phase it gave the woman  control over the direction and pace of the relationship which explains why we felt empowered. As i look back i think this is the worst advice EVER given to us by our elders. Here are my reasons :

1. The boy maybe wanted to hit it and run which even till today actually happens. So he will find a way to amuse himself for that week while you decide  whether or not to accept his proposal. He is not moved by your values or intentions and that so called “respect” many of our girls seem to think a boy like this displays. It is not really respect for you but rather his level of selfishness and funny enough commitment to wait till he gets what he wants.

2. Only a man can know his intentions with you. You cannot judge these by his actions either because if actions were anything to go by then logic would reason that after a week or 90 days of on you a man would stick around and love you more as he initially promised but they do not all do that. So this piece of advice though coming from a good space of good intentions is what lands us in hot soup in the dating department.

3. No love ever comes from with holding anything. How many women have practiced the 90 day rule and it led to a proposal? How many have not practiced it and it they are married? Marriage is that ultimate goal that we are encouraged to aspire towards hence i am referencing to that. If you love someone whether you wait a week or 3 months nothing will change.

4. Personal values should be something we expect people to reward us for or compensate us for. Kissing on the first date, having sex on the first date or sleeping over on the first date are not a reflection of who you are as a person. If someone likes you they should not hold that against you.  When we preach that people should then be judged on how quickly they start dating or how quickly they give up the “cookie” then we are failing our children. People make choice all the time. Good or bad. What is important is not feeling ashamed. As long as there is accountability and ownership that is what is key.  I know this may not sit well with some friends of mine and some folks but the truth of the matter is behind closed doors we all know the truth and how some marriages were formed. Don’t tell me you never heard of a brides who get married while pregnant and pretend that this is not so. It is obvious that the bride and groom decided to gift each other their “gifts” before tying the knot. No one ever wants to speak the truth or be the bearer of it. came to light. My take on this is if you know you want something go for it, be prepared for the week after or the day after you have made a decision.

MY ADVICE !!

If you like someone it is great to tell them or to respond to their proposal. Life is too short. You will get hit by a truck two weeks from now or he may get hit by a truck next week  (God forbid). All you have is today and even tomorrow is not promised to any of us , so why miss out on the finer things in life like dating someone as opposed to taking a week to give them a response. If they genuinely like you i am sure they can wait even a month or 3 for you , so why prolong the inevitable? What value is in that?

This will also help curb the attitude or belief in out culture that as women who are a trophy to be attained. We are not that. We have to consciously identify behaviors,beliefs and attitude that promote patriarchy in our Society.

This is no different than the way some of our parents abuse lobola negotiations. The poor guy will work hard to get you and make you his. This creates expectations and in the event that a woman wants to walk away she cannot do that because she has been officially “won” by this man. These are the incidents that if not well thought out create and breed an environment for abuse in marriages.

Our parents play a crucial role in how we date and function as lovers in relationships. It may be a hard conversation but at some point a child will hear about it from friends or Tv.  If parents could be pro- active and advise their children sooner and show them what love looks like and what it should be a lot of things could be avoided. These games we play in love are not great for our emotional and spiritual wellness.

If you want to wait to have sex let it be your choice and let it be something you value or cherish and it should not be attached to someone’s expectations of you.

If you want to kiss someone on the first date and invite for a night cap in your apartment , go ahead. If you can live with the consequences tomorrow, then there should not be a problem.

You are not a trophy to be won by anyone. Choose to apply the “90 days RULE” because that is what you believe in and that is who you are as a person and not because you want a ring on it and all that comes with him. Where are the 90 days RULE guys? Here you are preserving yourself for marriage and what is he doing? That is a great sign for disaster waiting to happen. If you are a ” i will wait for marriage kind of girl” find yourself a ” i will wait for marriage guy”…..Its simple!!