That Ex

Break ups are no child’s play. Adulting on it’s own feels so complicated and sometimes hard, let’s just put it out there and be honest so imagine what it’s like loving someone one minute and the next you are not. Even at 35 I struggle to handle that shit but I do appreciate it happens to the best of us.

This week I suddenly missed my ex. Everything suddenly reminded me of him. His music and our favorite tracks are everywhere on my playlist. I missed our conversations, his silence and yet dominant presence. I broke up with him and made it clear that we could not be together as I realized that nothing had changed from the last time we were together. While I was excited about the possibility of getting back together I started to see patterns that took me back to a place I did not like. A place of mistrust. A place of fear. Love should be a safe place.

Naturally being a person who has abandonment issues and still working through them everything in my fibre and being was just saying “run for dear life girl” .The urge to call or text came more than several times. This time I did not block or delete anyone. Trust me in my world that is progress. I can even see my girlfriends ululating in congratulatory mode because this is not normal for me. In the past I just blocked, deleted and moved on. I am a big girl now. I speak my mind with honesty and love.

This time I decided to lay my heart and mind on the table and just say it like it is. For the longest time my one of my best friends would always say “you don’t love yourself enough”. She would always say you have so much to give everyone but yourself. My mind understood what she was saying but not my heart didn’t but now I do. Implicitly so.

Due to the fact that I did not block or delete him I almost found myself calling and checking on him. The first question I asked myself was

1. Why did you break up?

2. Is this a sign of love? ( Calling him)

3. So he picks up and answers. Regardless of the conversation goes , how is that interaction serving you?

4. If your needs were not met then how will they be met now?

After this I resolved not to call him. That felt so good. That alone is another sign of self love because it’s small little strides in putting myself first. Saying yes to me. In this scenario there is the mind, body and heart and they all struggle with each other. My body misses him and yes he is one of those with fine lips and can kiss, the one whose arms you melt  into while my heart yearns for him and the mind is the sober one who says “get a grip girl”. Lol. One thing is for certain if you take a step back, put the phone down and breathe you will realize you can heal, you will get better and you won’t even think of that man. For now let me have a glass of wine, read a book, pray and sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

You got this!! You got this!! You got this!!