You are not your ABSENT parent!!

I am one of those girls who are blessed to have two Fathers. As i look back i am so glad that God allowed my challenges to make me the woman i am today. It truly takes a village to raise a phenomenal God fearing woman. It wasn’t all rose petals in the beginning. As i look back i am so glad that God allowed my challenges to make me the

I never knew what having Daddy issues was till my Father came into my life. I was a happy and well functioning adult (if you know what i mean). Even then i could not connect to that phrase “Daddy Issues). People are often mistaken to think that children get over these issues, they don’t not until the wound is addressed.

My Dad came into my life when i was 28 years of age. What was so funny or rather interesting about my relationship with him was the fact that we stayed in the same town all these years and i had passed by his work place almost every Saturday when i was going to church. I was at Eveline Girls High School and my school was just on the outskirts of town we were allowed to go into town for church or other school activities like tournaments etc. I must have passed that building every Saturday for almost 3 years and never knew my Father worked there. makes one to wonder , right? Maybe the time was not right or we both not ready to be in each other’s lives.

One of my awesome Facebook friends and Mentors Christa Bonnita posted something on her Facebook page this week that speaks about people’s purpose in our lives. Christa mentions how sometimes people come into our lives for a Season or a Reason meaning not everyone will stay in your life. Sometimes people drift apart or die and it has nothing to do with you but just the mere fact that they have filled their purpose in your  life. Why is this relevant to my relationship with my Father?

For years i longed to know who my Father was and coming from a conservative and protective family did not make it easy for me. No one wanted to speak about this man who brought me into the world and years later i would find out that everyone around me knew who this man was except myself. When i finally had the opportunity to meet my Dad and at least try to build a relationship and get to know him better he passed away. I could not understand why this would happen to me and why God did not at least grant me the opportunity to have a relationship with my Dad? I was angry, sometimes hurt and heart broken and other times even bitter. I became disconnected from the Lord because i could not make any sense of my Father’s death. It was unfair. I felt God was unfair. If was going to take my Father way from me when i had just met him , the least he could was give me answers. I also observed that of all the children my Father had i was the only one he never had a relationship with. A lot was going on in my life that affected me due to my Father’s absence. I though his presence in my life would change all that. Can you imagine the questions i had? The answers all went six feet under with him.

With time i forgave him for his mistakes. I forgave myself for expecting so much of a fickle human better who erred. I forgave my family and most importantly my Mom and Dad. I could never know and understand the decision they took to keep any information about this man from me. I had to choose to stop being angry with my Dad, with God, with life and with myself. I cannot control any of what happened in the past, even if i tried.

Every year during December i am numb towards my Father’s death. I never what to truly feel and how to express it. I just thank God for women like Christa who honor their gifts and talent and share what God reveals to them. This revelation about people’s purpose in our lives made me really think hard about the man who who helped give me life. What was his purpose?

MY BELIEF

• My Father was the man who was chosen to bring me into the world. He was not chosen to be the one to raise me. He was the man God used to just give me life.He was entrusted with that process and nothing more. Though it hurts to believe this i completely trust that God knew why it was that way. Anything could have brought us together but in the 28 years i was growing up nothing did.

• I believe that God knew i needed a Dad and he found me one. He found a man my Mother could be with , love and raise her children with. God knew that my Dad’s purpose would be for as long as he allowed. He created siblings i could laugh, play and walk this journey in life with. These siblings were what i needed and their presence was sufficient enough.

• I believe  in that time he also created siblings he would keep away from me till i was old enough to see them, appreciate , love and be the best sister possible to them.

• I also believe he planned my life just the way it has worked out. I am where i should be as a young woman living in the modern day African and still defining herself.

MY CONCLUSION

• I am not my Father, therefore i am not his mistakes.

• I am not my past nor can i be defined by it.

• I am not what i lacked then growing up as a girl who did not know her Father because I am not defined by what i have and do not have.

• My true power and definition lies in who God says I am and what the gift her has given me.

• I am what i choose to believe i am.

• Him choosing to walk away from me is not my choice but his. He cannot account for his decision and if he could i guess that is between him and God. I have to let it go.

• I only had 2 years to know my Father and i the little i could i did. I appreciate that i am blessed to have that opportunity. I watch Khumbul’Ekhaya and i see so many young man and women who travel miles and miles to look for their absent parent/parents only to find them deceased.

• I cannot change the past. God knows i tried to think of my life in a different way, different environment or with my Mom and Father together but what good will that do? In my mind is that not trying to escape my reality. If I close my mind off to my story, my joy and my pain as a child whose Father left her before she was born am i not failing to see who i really am?

• I am where i should be with or without my Father. My parents did a darn great job and I appreciate it. I had moments where I would get into my head and start to wish my life had turned out differently but I have great childhood memories and i can choose to appreciate them.

• My story will probably be different from yours. I may not possibly know the situation you are in now. All I can say is whether your mother or father walked out on you is THEIR choice. It does not have to be your story. It is theirs. Yours is to live your life to the fullest. Define yourself and where you are headed in life. If you need to and can find the resources to help you find your siblings or that parent you seek to have a relationship with, try your best to find them . This is important because you do need the closure and if anyone can answer your questions you should take the opportunity.

• Self Love is a fundamental aspect of being able to live this life you have been blessed with. If you attach it to things, to people you stand to miss out on who and what God has called us to be. Though you need and should belong to a family, I have learnt that there is no conventional hard and fast rule to who that family consists of. You may deny yourself an opportunity at fully living life and appreciating the value of life, that is if you focus so much of your attention on people who have willingly and knowingly chosen to walk away from you and miss out on a great opportunity to be a part of your life.

I encourage you to look around you and identify the people that love you and appreciate you. Keep them and do your best to invest in those relationships. These people see you and love you, don’t lose those relationships but getting too much into your head. Children and adults who suffer from fear of abandonment have a tendency of pushing people away and deliberately sabotaging relationships because they allow themselves to believe they can do it on their own. Trust me I have been then, just remember YOU matter and someone will love you , just stop testing and pushing them away because you want to see how long they will stick around…

CHOOSE YOURSELF|CHOOSE LOVE| CHOOSE HAPPINESS|ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE LOVED